SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bold move, copywriter Jason Headley has thrown his hat into the ring as a Freelance candidate. Despite economic conditions and shrinking client budgets that tend to favor incumbent copywriters, Headley insists his candidacy should not be discounted. “No,” he implored. “No discounts. Unless we’re talking about some pretty amazing work and at least a half-hearted promise of more to come.”

When pressed on the issue of how he might outperform incumbent copywriters, Headley seemed to want to stay above the fray. “There’s room enough for all of us. I’m not going to run other copywriters through the mud here in the press. If I have anything to say to them, I’ll catch up to them during one of their long, boozy lunches they take on company time.”

Headley claims the cornerstones of his candidacy will be openness and trust. “The people have a right to know what I stand for,” he said before steadfastly refusing to elaborate.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a hastily assembled press conference, Freelance candidate Jason Headley attempted to quell attacks on his most recent campaign ad, and his character. Detractors allege that, in the commercial in question, Headley misled the public and undermined the very message he was trying to convey.

The allegations revolve around a campaign spot entitled “Trust.” In it, Headley specifically makes the claim that he “will not make out with your employees.” However, it has come to light that, while working a long-term contract in 2001, Headley did, in fact, make out with a salaried employee. Critics say this is in direct conflict with his own promises. But, Headley took issue with that characterization.

“For starters,” said Headley, “I promised not to make out with any employees in the future. There was no discussion of what I may or may not have done in the past.” When pressed to address whether the allegations were true, Headley produced what seemed to be an authentic photo from his wedding.

“I didn’t just make out with an employee. I fell in love. And anyone with a heart knows there’s no emotional Kevlar that can thwart Cupid’s arrow.” Headley went on to explain that he and the employee were married in September of 2003, thus making her “an honest women” and himself “an honest candidate.”

Headley said he wasn’t going to stand idly by while people used marriage as a wedge issue to further their own agenda. He also pointed out that his promise was even more valid in light of his marital arrangement. “There’s no way I’m going to make out with your employees now. My wife won’t stand for it.,” Headley claimed. “Trust me, I’ve asked.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Freelance candidate Jason Headley is adopting the long tradition of election-based travel in his very own campaign bus. The “Paycheck Express,” as Headley is calling it, is currently touring battleground agencies all across the land.

“Nothing says you’re a man of the people like traveling the highways and byways of America by bus,” said Headley. “Especially a private, 50-foot bus with a full-sized fridge, DVD player with surround sound, and three high-tech gaming systems.”

Headley seemed especially pleased that his bus once belonged to the 70’s rock band Bachman Turner Overdrive. “They took care of business,” said Headley. “Or at least they sang about it a lot. And that’s what this campaign is all about. Not singing, but actually taking care of business. Then promptly invoicing for it.”